Harry Potter and the TrainRide of Doom
by mouskadiddle
Summary: Harry (and more importantly Ron and Hermione) and the rest of the Hogwarts crew are hit with a slew of cliches on an unforgetable ride on the Hogwarts Express. oneshot R


Fanfiction could not exist without the cliches that we are all guilty of, myself included but when you put them all together and take away any sign of a plot, its pretty damn funny. So here is my attempt at a friendly little hermione/ron parody. Bon appetit.

disclaimer:When i conquer the world Harry Potter and all of the random songs in this fic will be mine. That will never happen so they never will be, but a girl can dream.

It was the beginning of another year, the most important year of Hogwarts yet, and Hermione Granger couldn't wait to see that red little-engine-that-could arrive at platform 9 ¾. She clutched her Head Girl letter in one hand and her trunk in the other. How proud her parents had been when she showed them that letter! That morning her mom made her some nice scrambled eggs and fresh squeezed orange juice and her dad called her "little pumpkin," or an equally sugar-saturated name that would cause almost anyone else to lose said breakfast. Yes, they were living the all-American dream, except for the fact that they were British. StupidAmerican authors.

The bushy-haired girl looked up and spotted her red-headed and raven-haired friends approaching her; their styles were all so lovely that it was vital to refer to them _at least_ 20 times in the story.

She raced over to her friends and hugged each of them with slight difficulty due to changes that had occurred over the summer. They had all "matured" quite a bit, a fact which Ron and Harry noted quickly. And then made permanent mental pictures of. In fact, if this was Not-So-Little Red Riding Hood, the next line might have been, "Why Hermione, what big-" but it isn't, is it? So, we must return to the story.

"Hey Hermione! Guess what?!" Ron exclaimed.

"You're the half-blood prince?"

"The what?" he asked, confusedly. Realizing it didn't matter because he was destined to remain confused for eternity, he continued, "No! I'm Head Boy!"

"But…that's impossible…I mean…"

At this point, Harry leaned over his best mate to whisper something into Hermione's ear of which the only words audible to the freckled red-head were "head" "dorms" and "sliding doors".

They were all so distracted by this concept (Harry for inexplicable reasons) that they didn't notice the Hogwarts Express pull into the station.

They all ran and kissed their parents goodbye, who were all at the station but not worth mentioning before. Oh, except for Harry, because he was a sad and tortured soul with no parents or godfather. Anyway, they raced to the doors of the train and made it in just in time; Hermione's extra bushy hair barely fitting through the door. Actually, they had to tug her through- at which point the train suddenly began to move. This caused them to fall into a heap that could easily be mistaken for something that should only take place inside the Hufflepuff common room (see shinythingsamuseme's story or mugglenet's caption contest page). Hermione's hair then promptly deflated because the author was bored with it.

The golden trio (now really, who was the genius that coined this term?) were just getting comfortable in their compartment but who should walk in but the blonde-bombshell himself, Draco Malfoy.

"Look its mudblood and weasel. Is ickle potty-poo-poo-poo-poo-poo…..poo still scared of dementors?" He awaited the laughter of Crabbe and Goyle who were not capable of remembering the other 100,000 times that Draco had said this. Alas, his sexy-bad-boy ears were met with only silence. He had forgotten that after their makeovers from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, they realized they weren't so straight after all and had run off to San Francisco. Dependable lackeys were so hard to come by these days. He decided he must try again. "Hey Mudblood, weasel, why don't you two just get a room already?"

Hermione noted that this was perhaps a good idea, but first, she took the time to remind Malfoy that he had crossed over to the good side and was now in love with both her and Ginny Weasley.

"Malfoy, remember, you crossed over to the good side and are now in love with both me and Ginny Weasley," she said.

Ron became very jealous, almost as jealous as when she went with Victor Krum, who she had a relationship with and he was very jealous of, in case you have forgotten. "But I thought you were a transvestite with an abusive father?" he asked while swatting at dust in the air. He knew he was spending too much time with Crookshanks! But everyone knows the way to a girl's heart is through her cat.

"Don't be stupid Ronald; that was last week. Why are you always so confused?" she asked while braiding Crookshanks's fur. Oh right, Crookshanks was in Hermione's arms and Hedwig and Pig were off making wild owl love.

"I don't know," he said, shrugging, "but I have some confessions to make. Harry, I want you to know that you are my best mate. I love the fact that we are mates. I wouldn't want anyone else as my mate besides you. Now that I have reminded everyone that we are British through my use of the word mate, Hermione, I, I kind of like you," he finished, his ears turning as red as his hair.

"Oh Ron, I like you too!"

The two were about to snog when Lavender, slut of Gryffindor walked into the compartment.

"Hermione!" she said, running up to her best friend, giving her a hug and then promptly congratulating her on her summer's growth. Hermione and Lavender had grown very close since fifth year because no story is complete without a backstabbing best friend. I mean, a very nice, endearing best friend who…oh forget it you probably saw it coming anyway. "Hermione," she continued, hitching up her robes to the delight of the boys, "I hear there is a great big pile of books in the next compartment."

"Books? I love books! I'm always in character when I am reading a book!" She promptly ran into the next compartment and began to read.

"Now that she's gone, there's just the two of us," Lavender said, pulling Ron closer to her by his school tie, which he wouldn't be wearing yet since they never change until they are almost at school.

"But Lavender," he began, confused once again, "we aren't alone; Harry and Malfoy are still here."

"Oh don't worry," she assured him, un-lacing her corset, "they can't see or hear us. Kind of like how nobody ever sees or hears you and Hermione having an argument in the middle of the great hall."

"We don't have arguments, we have _rows_. And now that you mentioned Hermione, I have realized my undying love for her and that I can't possibly go through with this. She is my sunshine, my only sunshine; she makes me happy when skies are gray."

"Ron, that was so romantic, too bad things couldn't work out between us," Lavender told him, brushing her fishnet stocking clad leg against his.

"Bloody hell Lavender!"

"I'm sorry; I just wanted to give it one last try."

"No it's not that, it's just that I haven't said bloody hell yet and being that I recently said something uncharacteristically romantic, I figured now was a good time."

"Oh," she said, not really listening. She would hate to break her record of shagging someone each year on the Hogwarts Express. Shestood upto leave but first, she needed to tell Ron, "I'd hate to break my record of shagging someone each year on the Hogwarts Express. If you change your mind, you know where my dorm is.."

"Hermione is the answer to my prayers, she's with me everywhere. She's my angel, miracle, she's all I need tonight; but what is this you say about going to the girls' dorms?" he asked. He then added, "I once had a very painful experience with those stairs," in order to remind the reader that he was in fact Ron Weasley and not Lionel Richie.

"Oh no," Lavender informed him, trying to remember where she left her whip, "we found a way around that spell right after they started putting invisible barriers around the astronomy tower at night."

Lavender then left with her whip, Hermione returned to the compartment, and Draco and Harry came back to the story. Ron decided this was a delightful time to profess his love.

"Hermione," he began, "I have decided this is a delightful time to profess my love to you," he paused to clear his throat and, for dramatic affect, "I love you."

"Oh Ron I love you too, but isn't it a bit odd that we are announcing our undying love when we first admitted to liking each other 15 minutes ago?"

"Not at all. I want to stand with you on a mountain; I want to bathe with you in the sea."

"Ron, this is not a songfic and even if it was, that song is terrible."

"Oh, I'm sorry. Did you know that it has been statistically proven that red-heads make better lovers?"

"Honestly, Ronald I can't believe you would say such a thing when actually, it hasn't been proven yet."

"I love it when you say "honestly" and "actually". Wanna go test the theory now? Oh and I'm hungry, because I must think about my stomach to assure you that I am still Ron Weasley and have not swapped bodies with someone again."

"That is nice to know but we can't "test the theory" yet. We are about to meet our new DAD teacher and the American exchange student!"

Just then, in walked their new DAD teacher and an American exchange student, who were both stunningly beautiful. This was their first woman DAD teacher which impressed Hermione greatly, until she saw the reactions that all of the boys (she could see the reactions of _all _of the boys even though just Malfoy and Harry were in the compartment) had. If only their mothers could see them now. The Defense Against the Dark (it was no longer necessary to fight against the dark arts so they were now learning how to protect themselves from the dark using nightlights, even though they had no idea what electricity was) teacher strutted down the runway that suddenly appeared; her swishy long black hair swishing behind her. She then stormed off in a huff when the spotlight (as in a literal spotlight that was being manned from the Hogwarts Express lighting booth, although they had no idea what electricity was) shifted onto the gorgeous 18 year old exchange student. It didn't matter that she was actually 11 year old Annie-Fannie from Texas, she would now be 18 because at least one relationship in the story would have to be legal. Luckily, the Mary-Sue-eating- machine gobbled her up before she had the chance to speak and life went on as usual.

"Oh no!" Harry exclaimed, speaking for the first time in a very long time since it is too hard to give him an actual personality and he is therefore not relevant to the plot despite the fact that the series is called Harry Potter and I am having trouble breathing while saying this run-on sentence, "I just realized that my two best friends are in a relationship and I will be left out! And now I understand why you two were so busy without me in the beginning of Order of the Phoenix. I'm just a poor (extremely wealthy) boy! Nobody loves me! Spare me my life from this monstrosity! Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?! Mama mia, mama mia! Angst! ANGST! AAAAAAAAAAAAANGST!"

"Don't worry, Harry," Hermione said, stroking her friend's elbow to comfort him, "Luna will snog you. Ginny is currently being taken advantage of by Malfoy, or I'm sure she would too. I know there have been absolutely no signs that you and Luna will get together, but isn't it convenient?"

Just as Luna walked in and they were about to get the party started, Snape and McGonagall decided to come in and check on their favorite students. McGonagall gave them all a stern look because she was not someone to cross. Snape did a pirouette for them in his tutu before taking 525,600 points off of Gryffindor. Why was he wearing a tutu? Because this is fanfiction. Why were all the teachers on the train, oversimplified personalities and all? Because this is fanfiction. Now that those questions are answered, back to the scheduled programming.

"Let's have a party!" Hermione told her friends.

"Can we play truth or dare?" Harry asked.

"What about spin the bottle?" Ron added.

"Or-" Nah, it doesn't matter what Luna said, it never makes sense anyway.

"No, that's all happening next week, but we _can_ have butterbeer," all-knowing Hermione informed them.

All of Gryffindor managed to fit in one compartment and they got completely wasted by drinking only butterbeer, which actually has the same effect as vodka (Jo just hid that from us for the first five years). They were all having a great time when Hermione realized, "Merlin! Nobody's said Merlin yet!"

"Ish shtat alsch yoush wahntehd tshoo shay?" Harry slurred, because he is always the first one to slur.

"No, I also wanted to inform you that I was thinking about Ron and now must go shower to cool myself off"

She went to shower in the showers in the shower-room that had been installed on the Hogwarts Express for the purposes of this story. She walked through the door that read "witches" but _all_ of the showers in that shower-room were broken. Imagine that. She was feeling really dirty so she walked out and went through the door labeled "wizards" because who else would think to shower in the middle of a party? She had a lovely shower and wrapped herself in a fuzzy wuzzy towel. Just then, who should walk in but everyone's favorite redhead. No, not Lucy Ricardo, everyone's favorite natural redhead, Ron Weasley. He looked at her and her towel fell. The towel always falls.

She ran her hand over his chest. "Where did you get these muscles from?"

"From playing quidditch with Harry all summer after he defeated the dark lord with a water gun to stop you-know-who from interfering with this story."

"You mean Harry defeated Voldemort?" she asked, astonished.

"No, I was talking about Count Chocula. The other you-know-who is stilling running around killing people, but that would ruin the moment so it's not included in this fic." In an attempt to return her attention to his muscles he asked, "Isn't it amazing what sitting on a broom can do?" and began to flex and stand in muscleman poses. That is, until she told him to stop before she changed her mind and/or puked.

They then made whoopee as The Newlywed game would say because, what better place to lose your virginity then the bathroom on a train?

"I can't wait to lose my virginity to you again next week," she told Ron when they were done. They were about to drift off into a blissful sleep still in the bathroom when-

"Merlin! We forgot the contraception spell potion charm!" Hermione yelled, crying and thinking "why me?!"

She ran to Madam Pomfry, who was also on the train, still in tears. Hermione told the nurse to stop naming her toes because this was an emergency! She found out exactly 5 minutes after they shagged that she was without a doubt pregnant. Ron hugged her and suddenly she realized how blessed they were. A priest appeared on the train in order to marry them, even though the most religious thing either of them ever did was opening a Christmas present. The priest was quite liberal so while he was there, he decided to marry Harry and Malfoy who suddenly realized they were gay. And when I say he married them, I don't mean he performed the ceremony, I mean the three of them were wed to each other. The four magic folk and the random Muggle priest then lived happily ever after.

The End.

Hope you liked. Review!!


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